I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
