They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
