You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
