Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
