Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
