i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Randomize
