1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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