i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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