this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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