shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
