i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
