Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
