can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
