Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
