i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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