I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My liver just broke up with me...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
