6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Randomize
