finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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