My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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