Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
