I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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