I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Randomize
