I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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