yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
