I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You made out with two different species that night
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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