Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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