His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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