I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
