So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
