Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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