Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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