I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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