i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
