Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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