dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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