So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
