My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
