He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
