I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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