someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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