i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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