If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
