Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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