Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
