So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
