I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
