i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
All I want is dick and wine.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
