she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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