sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Randomize
