omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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